My lawyer watched my DUI video. Said of the thousand or so he's seen, mine was one of the top ten best.
I just watched a girl at work pick her nose with 4 of her 5 fingers. So I now know what sausage biscuits taste like in vomit form.
just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.
My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...
How many times a week can a couple have a threesome with the same guy before it becomes some sort of 3-way relationship?
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
Also topless tea is a thing that happens in our apartment. Ready yourself.
Me my naked body. You bring the paints. I expect to be a panther by game time Sunday.
What do I get.
Panthers win you get to fuck the paint off me.
Learning to live poor pretty well. Cashed in all the coins in my car for nearly 60 bucks and yelled at a Pizza Hut manager, insisting I have a free pizza credit, until he just gave me a pizza.
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
Randomize