from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
If it makes you feel any better I'm plucking my mustahce and drinking. Alone.
Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people
If I were trying to take advantage of you I would have maxed out all your credit cards by now.
I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
scarred for life. way too high and witnessed some chick give a dude head on the dance floor
Her facebook status said "just got a sign from god". I texted her and apparently she found a slice of pizza in the shower.
You almost married that.
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I convinced a German girl that I was born while my mom was water skiing and I preceded to barefoot ski behind her via the umbilical cord...
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
Randomize
