Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
How many more of your relationships do I have to destroy before you realize sleeping with me isn't a good idea?
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
Only you would offer whiskey to a man in liver failure.
Randomize
