so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.
she just took adderol and chased it w dog water
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
let's just skip the pleasantries and go back to my place for pizza and casual sex
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.
Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.
I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.
At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.
No one parties "Full Karen". She once broke a couple up at the bar, ate the girl out in the bathroom and took the guy home.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
I AM NOT LOSING TO SOME FICTIONAL CROSSDRESSER
uh...sober saturday NEVER has a good ring to it.
Shit happens dude.
Shit doesn't just HAPPEN on the kitchen floor you asshole.
Let's be real, he was never going to be tall enough
Randomize
