So I've decided that when I turn 50 and have to have a colonoscopy I'm going to leave a surprise for the doctor to find.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
Yeah the sex got weird after I said "who's your daddy?" and she actually moaned her dads name.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
They took my balls.
My logic for bringing him home was, he's in law school so odds are he wouldn't kill me.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
Randomize