I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
i saw his dick when we were four, so thats kind of ruined for me now
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Dude, get out of Andrea's vagina and call me back
So I had sex in the woods today. Anything else that happened today? Irrelevant. It was a GOOD day.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
Showing girls my stab wound was not the brilliant idea I thought it was.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
She drunkenly texted me about Japanese mythology at four AM. I think I’m in love.
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