I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.
He pulled his pants down and said blow me, while passing out on my bed. I then pulled his pants up as he continuously started moaning in the background.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
Randomize
