So would u like to explain why you ate all my pickels and took my 1800?
About that, i have your 1800 on my desk with intentions of returning it but theres nothing i can do about the pickels
if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
I just heard someone say "gosh-darnit" and they didn't have a southern twang. I worry for New York.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.
i think when the guy sitting in the corner singing tells you you're too drunk, you're too drunk.
Note to self... Do not stick your head in a can of paint and try to paint the walls green with your hair
Just went trick or treating in my kitchen. Found chocolate and scotch. Happy fucking Halloween
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
it looks like a nuclear can of fuck blew up in here
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