clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
You know whats not fun? Making yourself throw up on a sand dune at 4 in the morning.
You need to come over. I cant get her to stop eating honey mustard straight from the squeeze bottle
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
After he finished going down on me he came up from under the covers, threw his hands into the air and shouted "take that lesbians!" and finished with "and we have dicks!"
Pictures of drunk me in a bike helmet are like McDonald's collectible toys. There's sooo many, but NO ONE has seen all of them.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I moved out... There's nothing left but his childhood trophies...
You should make him a new one, you know like "you suck at relationships but thanks for trying participation award"
She pinched my nipples out of nowhere as I was about to come... I think I found god
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
I bet you there is porn for people who get off on someone rubbing Chipotle on themselves
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Randomize
