I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
Well my summer has already been productive. I partially caused a divorce.
Went to the lab to print and realized the guy next to me was the one we stole all the beer from last night..... Oops
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
I'm at a sex party and there's a guy in an ICP jersey and trip pants. I see now that this is the moment in the movie of my life I recognize I have a problem
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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