She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
you ever get that eerie feeling when you walk in a room, when you know youve barfed here before.
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
I think he's like 40 and maybe a little sociopathetic and i have never been so turned on
Another text to add to the intervention pile, i see
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
You need a new phone. When you talk it sounds like the teacher from Peanuts while she's trying to give a blowjob.
Randomize
