I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
I thought that wasn't a thing ever since she showed you her vag on the dance floor
dude, we need a reunion soon, my vagina needs a deep massage. The kitty is ready to play
My CPA just snapchatted me a picture of her playing beer pong at a picnic. Time to do my own taxes?
So apparently when I'm drunk and want water I pant like a dog and expect to have water given to me..
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
He told me he loved me...but added "you crazy bitch" at the end. Does it still count???
Was make out with a 38 year old lesbian on our bucket list? if it was you can go ahead and cross that one off.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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