Looking at the victoria's secret website makes the ice cream I'm eating taste like sadness and obesity
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
It was a new level of awkwardness and terror. The high schoolers you fuck in the summer should never introduce themselves to your mom and godmother
someone just drove by blasting livin on a prayer and threw like 6 bagels out the window... was it you?!
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I found a bag of weed while packing. Now packing is like creating tiny universes inside of boxes.
He professed his love for me while I danced on a picnic table with a bottle of Absolut. I said thank you and walked away.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
I'm literally taking a shit naked holding a bottle of wine.
Thursday could be nutella day. You could make me a nutella sandwich and then fuck me senseless
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
The batteries in my vibrator died before I could finish. Which is a lot like my sex life lately......
We both shit in the same closet in Santa Fe. Nothing is sacred anymore.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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