I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
she pinky promised me she was 18
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
Do what? I was just saying that at some point there's a chance I'll have a boner. Think of it like a guessing game. "Does he have one now?"
She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there
"Grocery shopping" is really just a euphemism for spending $20 on enough frozen food to last 2 weeks and spending the rest of your viable paycheck on alcohol.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
Do you know how difficult it is to masturbate with Christmas carols stuck in your head?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
Instead of.being an intelligent and mature adult and dealing with my feelings I chose to get hammered and fuck flounder
Eh it happens
Randomize
