Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Well after the shots I danced with a homeless guy, split my toe on broken glass, and had a 20 piece mcnugget. Who says postgrad life is boring.
So apparently, after 11 beers, 2 pitchers of sangria and 3 rhum & cokes, the idea of popping a load of MD and jumping on the trampoline, in the woods, in my underwear was the best one ever.
Ah, Christ. I just saw a D lister I made out with once on a Rock Of Love rerun. Why are you asleep right now? Some weird shit is happening.
I've finally done it. I finally achieved my lifelong goal of becoming that awkward lesbian in high school who went on to have sex with more women than any of her male classmates.
About to wash down a xan with an iced pumpkin spiced latte from starbs and I feel like I've never lived up to my stereotype so much at one time
In my life time, I want nothing more than to get a blow job while watching Space Jam.
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