I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET
two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game
I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...
LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
I'm proud of you for choosing to be an organ donor on your fake!!
I can't even be mad at customs in houstons airport anymore for missing my flight and having to stay overnight. Within an hour of meeting we did it at her place. Her last word being "glad I could show you real southern hospitality". I'm definitely coming back here someday
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
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