Dude my mom stole all your condoms
i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
I just gave my whole company pinkeye. How's that for a summer intern's lasting impression? BOOYAHH
We did naked snow angels in 14 degree weather, you can't tell me you had more liquor at that party
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"
its coolsest when we hear the beat in our water bottles. and the likghts are in his eyes now. oh holland
One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.
He just kept screaming "I have democratic immunity" as the cops dragged him into the car.
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
Randomize
