I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
I gotta bail on the cookout tonight. Im at the er getting stitches. Re-enacting porno went horribly wrong.
Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Charles Manson is Getting Married and I stare down at my tits and wonder how I am possibly single.
BRING THE BAGELS
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
Like what? And no, shrooms cannot be party favors.
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
slept at my ex’s house last night and as i was leaving his brother was sitting there on the sofa and said “bet you regret that one don’t ya”
Randomize
