I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
I'm the only kid serving jury duty. And I'm the only one who may walk out of here in handcuffs for a warrant. I'm enabling these people to doubt America's youth once again.
haha it staarrted out with just getting drunk then it turned into sports authority. So now im 4th or 5th in line and shit faced. Help me
I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.
ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage
No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?
You're the worst gay friend ever.
Get drunk. Masturbate to his picture. Fall asleep. Repeat. Fuck summer.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
One three hour marathon fuck session and now she's divorcing her husband. Should I get business cards made?
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
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