i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome
I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I just found little boats floating in my bathtub....they are made out of white castle boxes, condoms, pickles, and corks. All the wine we bought is being used as the "ocean"....clearly we didn't drink any of the wine.....but I don't remember doing this.
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
I drove two hours just to throw up on myself today at the beach. My family saw the whole thing and my younger cousin cried
She sprained her ankle last night trying to flash me.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
I just want an early 40-something dude who is vaguely unencumbered, professionally driven and wants to put me in a ball gag.
My brother is so high right now he's eating frozen peas and called them "fucking delightful"
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
Um, just removed my insulin from the fridge so that I could fit our case in there. Tell me, who has their priorities straight? THIS GIRL.
Randomize
