Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I world jack off literally anyone now that I'm not related to.
I decided staying home, watching porn and masterbating was a much better choice than the gym. And I was right.
Explain the King Dong next to my face.
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
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