Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
I woke up in the penthouse and did lines off the to of the fireplace. This is not real.
he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
Some guy just hit on me and then said, well you look too young to ride the emotional roller coaster and guestured to his dick.
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
I can't have my last hookup before 21 have been behind a dumpster
The next time you invite me out to a bar full of cougars warn me first. I never felt like a piece of meat before.
I was giving him head and he slipped one of those hats with propellors on top on my head.
Randomize
