Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.
I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.
At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."
Valid question
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
Can we just talk about the fact that the last time I got laid I was wearing a Jurassic Park tshirt?
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
he yelled at me like a drill sergeant while I quickly tried to take off my pants
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
Randomize
