my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
I'm so prepared to puke on walk of shame tomorrow that I'm putting a toothbrush and toothpaste in my purse the night before. And to think, my dad thought I wouldn't make it in college.
He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
I don't even know man. I was to busy having beer showered on me and grabbing some balls
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
Seriously? We dated for 2 weeks. TWO. And I've crushed his soul and put out the light in his dark world? What the actual fuck.
Yeah, well. That's what you get for dating a musician.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
Ever walked into a basement full of 10 guys jerking it to a live stripper? Cause I have. Always confirm the address of a house party. Always.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I think his dick was bigger than his dog
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
Randomize
