I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision
Then we managed to set a grill and all 24lbs of meat on it on fire. I didn't help because I was filled with alcohol and extra flammable.
Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I mean, I'm all about sharing, but when he tells me about his wet dreams about Oprah, I think it's taking it too far.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
The spark has left our relationship. i used to make slightly inflammatory jokes at you. you would retaliate in jest. look at this. look at what is happening here.
Literally if she wants to make a big deal, I'd rather have shit smeared on my face.
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Low key that was incredibly dangerous to let me wield a sword at this point in the night
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
