I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
Stop everything. They have oreo straws to drink milk with and then you eat the straw. I think i just got turned on by a cookie commercial.
I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!
It seems like every guy I've hooked up with all end up hanging out together, its like a cult.
Smuggling a beer bottle full of vodka out of the bar with a tampon as a plug for the top of the bottle wasn't one of my classiest ideas... but your hangover proves it was resourceful and effective. Your welcome.
I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
So many Oreos I'm regretting this decision already but I'm happy at the same time...The straddle is real
Struggle. Not straddle. I'm not straddling anyone.
sober me is not impressed with the quality of people that drunk me gives our phone number to
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
Randomize
