They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
he keeps trying to sext me and all I can do is respond with descriptions of what im eating.
So it looks like you may be an uncle real soon. Don't ask how I feel about it and don't text me back.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
It was just like old times except for going to hangover throw up before waking my parents up to open presents. Merry Christmas!
Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?
Things like this can't be explained over text man
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
he's a mother fucking interior design major!! we boned and fell asleep and now we're laying in bed discussing what color i should paint my room. i'm marrying him
I'm just hitting the tip of the iceberg on accents for this trip...so basically my panties are done for.
I was having a dream that I was swimming in a pool filled with melted chocolate but woke up to find I had poured chocolate milk all over my body
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize
