Who did Billy Mays play for?
Watching Miami Social reminded me of how much I miss snorting coke with burger king straws in a life guard hut on the beach until we noticed someone was drowning.
Did you save them?
Who?
she said if I bought her franzia she would blow me, and she would fuck me if I splurged on martini and rossi. Franzia it is
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
What's worse having drunken sex with hot married man or breaking the diet one week in?
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
Straight up last night my mom was like josh you need to find a job that doesn't include the selling or transporting of drugs
I am cleaning melted cheese out of my hair. This is a new experience for me
I have had my dick inside of entirely too many people at this wedding in order for me to be the groom. Please give me a swift kick in the dick to wake me up from this nightmare
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