her name is jenna, so i wanna cunt punt her
that's how i am about ashleys and britneys
I just saw a homeless man dressed as a pirate. I love san francisco.
I can't believe I just compared my penis to a St. Bernard.
You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out
her roommates boyfriend drunkenly walked in on us banging and said yeeeeaaaaaahhhh and tried to high five me
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I'm 25 and I shit my bed last night. And I'm telling you about it. Not sure which is worse
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I had to carry him up the hill while he was wearing nothing but knee high socks and a blue glitter sequin leotard.
Why is this not a picture message?
he high fived his dick after we had sex
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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