I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.
there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
I told him he deserved someone better...then I told him he looked very fuck-able wearing nothing but sweat pants. We'll break up in the morning.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
I'll give you some choices for what to get me for Christmas. 1.You naked. 2.You naked 3.You naked.
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
U wanna come over and watch talidaga nights. Ill make pancakes
What? It's 130 in the morning.
Aww come on i make bomb ass pancakes
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
