if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
A piece of cheeseburger just fell between my tits. Consider this a "wish you were here" postcard.
Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.
It would have to be recorded, because that sex tape would be humanity's primary evidence of miracles
We should get Al Michaels to provide commentary for it.
I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?
Locking that text forever.
Dude too much vodka. I think I just puked up my heart
That's what you get for taking that guy home. The god of sluttiness is frowning upon you.
I guess I'll just chalk it up as a learning experience and a lot of great sex.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Oh dear. If we're both hearing alien sounds then perhaps they're real.
Pants are for mortals
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
please god let this picture I just uploaded not have my vagina in it
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize