4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.
we convincced her parents we were only wasted meanwhile theire faces were morphing into one and i swear there was a reindeer in the background
I need moral support for this bender
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
After your flask fell out of your leg brace and you told your RA that it was juice, you tried to unlock your dorm room but your key was attached to your bra so he ended up seeing your boobs
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
Do you think if 10 year old us knew that we would be passing out in a McDonalds after a hefty night of drinking, and 23 McChickens, they'd change anything?
Please let me buy the coffee, all my assets are in starbucks gift cards
Apparently I promised everyone at the party I'd partake in various winter sports with them..
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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