That fat broad you banged out last night is still here and I can hear her snoring through the living room wall. I would leave, but I don't want to come home to an empty fridge.
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.
He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
HIS DICK ISNT BIG ENOUGH FOR HIM TO BE THAT PROUD OKAY
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
Randomize
