I just made this asian woman on the boardwalk that was giving 20 dollar massages upset after I asked her if a happy ending comes with it.
My mom just called and reminded me not to throw up in any cabs tonight. Happy St. Patty's Day.
Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle
Just when I thought I was growing up, I go out and TOTALLY REDEEM MYSELF
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
My one night stand asked me out to dinner. When he came to pick me up I got in the back seat. I thought he sent an uber. Awkward.
i can believe you didnt get any, i was wing-girling the shit out of him
all you did was repeatedly scream GET IT IN
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
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