cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Someone spilled vodka all over the elevator floor. Bring straws.
he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel
Thanks for the cold. I shartted and sat through a whole soccer game. James made 3 scores.
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
I dealt with the imported moonshine, but when the cocaine came out, I had to get the fuck out of there
They got mad when I cut the pizza with an x-acto knife. Oh well, more for me then.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
He sent me a picture of a gas station condom and said "we probably shouldn't use this but if I was to impregnate someone on accident I'd want it to be you"
ITS THE CIIIIIIRCLE OF SLUUUUUUUTS
what happened to you last night?
I dunno man, i pissed in a urinal, sent you a picture of my vagina and woke up with 25 bar stamps on my arms.. you tell me
It was ok until his mom walked in and asked if he turned on the crock-pot...
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
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