He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw a british exchange student take a flyer for free dental care. Yes.
I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
some chick tossed a drink in your face at the bar last night. your mouth was opened so i think you ended up swallowing at least half of it. good job.
Turns out the average person our age has never run from the cops. Life: we're doing it right.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
As long as you keep bringing fries home, i'll keep being naked when you get home
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
There's a fly in my room repeatedly throwing itself at my window, and I feel it's really symbolic of what I want to do with my future
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
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