onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.
I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl
Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
My mom just asked me if I was gay in front of my gf
I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too
I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...
We're sitting in his room writing songs about America. There's a verse about a dead dog. There's tequila everywhere.
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
This reunion sucks. All the confident hot girls from high school are still confident and hot, and none of the fat girls with low self esteem transformed into hot girls with low self esteem.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
Back of his car in the Starbucks parking lot WITH HIS APRON STILL ON. Check and Mate.
Holy shit. You won barista bingo AND the Triple Crown in one day.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
Finally fucked my buddy's mom!! We are both ten years older and for her it really shows but i hit it!!
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