Do you feel that fire radiating from matt's crotch for you
Gross. gingers suck
Let's bang like we're on a Lifetime Channel movie.
..now you can marry chaz and be in cher's family..
yeah n i dont have to pretend to be into chicks to do it now...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
There is a girl in my drunk limo who hasn't seen an uncircumcised penis. Hook me up with a picture.
I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.
You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness
You drunkenly promised dick pics on your way out the door and then never delivered. I don't know how I'll ever be able to trust you again.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
He walked into me masturbating to a framed picture of Bill Murray riding a t-rex
Fun fact: I came home from the riverboat without my panties. And woke up with a different pair on.
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
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