I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(
you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..
That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
I offered to go to AA with him...not because I am admitting I have a problem but because I want to see what they are saying about people like us.
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
I found his retainer in my ass crack. It smells like shame.
Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back
they had to take the Corona's out of the fish tank because they wouldn't fit with the mini replica of the roman coliseum in there. so we drank the Corona's. does beer have an expiry date?
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
If blow jobs were a super power she'd be in the Justice League.
She drunkenly dropped her ranch for her pizza. She tried to clean it up with her hands off the street then realized it didn't work and started licking her fingers.
She can't even plan ahead to have toilet paper for her next shit
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
Last night’s booty call turned into a cuddlefest. Get your game face on, we’re hunting dick tonight
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