I just shaved my legs while pooping. classy or trashy?
talent.
Don't get me started, it sucks when the one thing you have in common with a girl is not wanting penis inside you.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I'm using my dog as a pillow. He's cool with it.
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
I just met a drunk old lady with a bedazzled life alert alarm around her neck. I love casinos
So this morning everyone commended me for puking over the porch. No one else made it that far...
We had sex on a couch that was held together by Velcro. Want to know an unsexy sound? Velcro ripping apart under your bare ass.
Randomize
