You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
they knew we were both to shy to do anything so they got us drunk and locked us in the back yard with a tent. it was fuck or freeze
you have the best friends
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I've made out with more people in 2014 than I did the whole fall semester
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Apparently I made a chicken patty, angrily took it out of the microwave, walked outside, and threw it over the balcony. #me
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I woke up with a pube in my teeth...I'm disturbed cause we're both clean shaven
Randomize
