nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
They should make a Rosetta Stone that allows men to understand what the fuck women are actually trying to say.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
You realize we can hear you jacking off in your room, right?
I like it rough
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
They finally caught us and banned us forever, but it was worth it because we didn't have to pay for light bulbs for at least 3 years.
So you stole light bulbs, from your favorite bar, and got banned, and you're happy?
Look we couldnt pay for light bulbs and ramen, and you can't eat light bulbs or cook in the dark. Win - win.
Our prom king just sent me a dick pic. I know it's 10 years later but I feel like I've finally made it.
RUDE you're the one missing half a nipple...
IT HEALED AND GREW BACK TO BE A FULL HEALTHY NIPPLE OKAY
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