I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
ejected that DVD during the department meeting.. it was our porn from last night. I have a new nick-name at work.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
She got a text from her mom saying "you better not sleep with him, we all know how he is". IV ONLY BEEN HERE A WEEK
i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I'm too stoned to come over for sex
Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock
I'll be right over
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Have you ever hotboxed under your comforter? Best. Decision. Ever.
But he's super into Jesus and I'm the devil. So we weren't meant to be
congratulations on joining the accidental bisexual club
He wants to play improv games now whenever he gets drunk. Sometimes I just do not have the energy for that kind of a thing
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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