and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever
All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?
Oh Brad. Your poor brain, always being ignored for your penis and crazy women.
At this point, just throw that mattresses away. Or bronze it and display it as a testament to your shame. either is good.
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I'm pretty sure that I drunkenly used the phrase "I just want his beard all over my body" way too many times last night.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
WHAT THE FUCK HAPPENED. WHO CAME HOME WITH ME. WHAT THE FUCK RESPOND ASAP I AM SO CONFUSED
Randomize
