If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
he even offered to make my bed in the morning.
Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.
Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
Going to the u of w I constantly have that moment of, oh hey I felt you up at that rave at folk fest that one time. Winnipeg is too small.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
My mom legitimately hired a private eye on me. DO YOU KNOW HOW EXCITING MY LIFE JUST GOT???
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
He said I was so drunk and high that I had a conversation w/ his goldfish. The video shows me clearly conversing as if talking to a person w/ pauses in conversation and everything
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
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