They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Your couch is like an animal shelter for stray drunks.
Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.
THIS CHICK IS LIKE SOME SORT OF HOOKER HOUDINI.
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
I just got stoned alone and repierced my nose. don't ever tell me I'm unaccomplished
I just got stoned by myself and am eating cookies so I'm right there with you
She fell off the bed and giggled until she passed out naked. It was really weird.
Probably not gonna date her.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
We told the cop that we were playing soccer, in flip flops, and 2:30 in the morning. It was raining and i had board shorts on. He bought it, lets go get drunk
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