Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.
i have absolutely no control over my now miserable and whore-ish lifestyle.
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.
I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
Dude, that was like bongs ago.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
He drank an entire six pack, past out on the guest bed, woke up around 4AM, lifted & dropped my leg, then peed on the corner of the bed. When I told him where he was pissing he said "it's all the same babe."
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
Its pretty bad when you can tell twins apart by the size of their penises...
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