you traded sex for a burrito?
How the fuck did I get small bruises all over my body?
Well you were laying on the couch naked after the girls left, staring into space, and I went over to the pool table and threw every ball as hard as I could at you from point blank range . You didn't flinch, blink, or scream for any of them. next time maybe you won't fuck my girl while I'm taking a shit
If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Just had sex to Jesse & the Rippers. Can check that one off the bucket list.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
She's high and screaming MEREDITH IS A WHORE
Btw, apparently no one knows who ordered the pizzas for the after party, no one paid, and the delivery lady made a celeb shot, took a beer, then said she'd be back later to finish up the game...
Well, why would you bring gelado into a strip club?
i walked into her house and she introduced me to her family. i dont think she understands the term booty call
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