OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.
ya and he came three minutes into it because he didnt have sex all summer
oh that makes more sense i knew you arent that good
Those former-lesbian gone white-trash bars always seem to be your favorite.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
I gave her at least chlamydia. Maybe worse. She is also into chicks and loves taking naked pics. It's like the less I believe in Jesus, the more he rewards me.
100% truth: never tied someone to a bed using 4 pairs of sweatpants before
i'll probably be on drugs forewarning
forewarning i'll probably have done those drugs with you
just almost had a panic attack because i couldn't find the granola bar i put in my purse. i miss klonopin.
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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