My farts smell like St. Pauli Girl. Last night was too much for a Monday.
I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.
you know...the drug dealer i named my baby after.
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
IM A DRUNK BIRTHDAY CLEOPATRA MESS. CELEBRATE THAT BITCH
She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
you just cant say you love him and then say you want to fuck your boss
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
For 15 minutes straight, he literally did every accent there was, from Russian to Bostonian. The issue: no one could determine whether he was sober, wasted, or anywhere in between
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
Randomize
