"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
My main goal for tomorrow night is to make it back into my own bed
The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
At least his std test came back clean, gotta look at the positives here
I am a delicate flower. A fucked up, drunk, horny, pants pissing, delicate little flower.
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
All I want to do is drink an excessive amount of free alcohol bought from strange men, while taking frequent trips to the bathroom to snort an assortment of illicit drugs off dirty toilet seats. Break cannot get here quick enough...
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
Drunk. Come get me. Out front blue shirt.
Where are you? And you borrowed my shirt. I know what you're wearing. How wasted are you?
Hotel
WHICH HOTEL??
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