I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
the last thing i remember was trying to convince him to call over his girlfriend so we could have a threesome
It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.
I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.
Holy Hangover.. I'm marrying whoever put this water by my bed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
this is an emotional support booty call
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
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