Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Pro: Drunk Portland Strip Club. Con: Monday morning hangover at work. Pro: boobs. Con: Sleep deprivation. The Pro's are winning.
I would agree. Add some coffee to the booze. It will cut down on sleep deprivation.
Today I learned that when you lick a mans butthole, you get wined and dined at a nice french restaurant.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
Vagina status: the swelling is going down.
Oh yeah, nothing says welcome home like walking in on your parents having sex on your bed while the dog is watching, they told me to wait until they were done...
I found my parents stash of sex toys. You know my green one? My mom has it...in purple. I HAVE THE SAME VIBRATOR AS MY MOTHER
OMG OMG OMG Ive hit the penis jackpot
It seriously took everything in my power not to sleep with him
What did it come out and serenade you? Lol
It sang to me in the dark. It was magical
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