These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that
im actually trying to see how many sex dolls we need for our raft so we can stay buoyant while we attack kayakers
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Yesterday we were fuck buddies and today I'm meeting his mom. That escalated quickly.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
I'm licking blood from my knuckles and I still haven't found my car keys..are you in town tonight?
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
