Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
Can you really blame Steve Phillips? He went to Michigan. Plowing fat girls is a 100-level course there.
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Mom said you looked used
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
Code 10 We gotta leave. Now. I took a dump in the upstairs toilet and its clogged and overflowing, and believe me I don't want to have to explain myself to this frat on parents weekend.
my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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