Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
my dentist asked me why my tooth was chipped, i told him i couldn't remember. i think he understands.
I need a hobby that doesnt involve alcohol and my tv
Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?
I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
Where am I? And why the fuck did you leave me here?
Relax. I left you somewhere safe plus you have all my weed so you know I will come back for you.
Randomize
