i was like a deer caught in headlights with its coke-dick hanging out
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
We have 24 days left before I leave for college and 21 condoms left in the stockpile. Are you up for the challenge?
Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
In last nights drunken stupor i apparently purchased a luxury travel package for two to Australia. So uh...get a passport and clear your schedule for next month
Hey man, when I left for work she was laying on the couch naked cuddling your keurig, can you clean that mess up?
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
Em I need to know if his cum tastes like vodka. Report back.
If you needed to get laid tonight all you had to do was ask
Hypothetical question: Would it be wrong to tell the annoying children who don't listen to their parents that the motel is haunted?
Randomize
